The World Cup is over, a tragedy for those of us who made following it a part-time job for 40 days. Instead of writing an angry opinion piece about how the USMNT keeps letting us down or glowing reviews of the fortress that is the Spanish defense, I’ll turn to something no one has talked about yet: the World Cup commentators. People talk about what a fabulous tournament Haaland or Cape Verde or FIFA had, but no one gives any attention to the true heroes: Fox Sports commentators, who have reliably delivered cringey, corny comments throughout the World Cup. So without further ado, the best from the World Cup’s witty commentators (see what I did there):

“He makes it look like shelling peas.” Norway vs. Senegal.

I’ve never shelled peas before, so I can’t speak from personal experience to what this metaphor means. But apparently, legumes, which includes peas, are a staple in the Nordic diet, so we can acknowledge that it’s at least culturally appropriate. And I appreciate the vivid thought of a hulking Erling Haaland clad in an apron, delicately shelling peas. (Since I disapprove of the use of generative AI, I will not provide such an image, but you can use your imagination).

“Kane is down in pain.” England vs. Ghana.

It’s always exciting when sports commentators attempt poetry, so this gets a 10/10. But on the topic of England, can we talk about how fabulously Jordan Pickford performed against Mexico? Every time he leapt and obstructed virtually the entire top corner, I was reminded of a flying squirrel:

In general, there were some remarkable keeper performances this World Cup. Just think of Vozinha, a legend whom I will definitely riff about to my grandchildren some 40 years from now, or Martinez, who singlehandedly salvaged Argentina’s dignity in the final.

“Keeper didn’t smell it.” Norway vs. France.

According to AI Overview, goalkeepers can indeed smell the ball:

I’m a bit skeptical, but who knows? Maybe Maignan had a cold that day.

“Settled by Providence.” Morocco vs. Haiti.

This is one of those instances where the commentator uses someone’s name or nationality as some kind of pun. I can’t think of other World Cup examples off the top of my head, but I’m reminded of all the coffee jokes when guard Amir Coffey played for the LA Clippers, my family’s team. I’m sure some American commentator thought of saying something about the French press in the semifinal…

Jokes aside, sometimes I wonder how and when commentators come up with these ingenious puns. At a major international sporting event with 1,248 players, there’s bound to be excellent fodder for jokes.

“Argentina are the Chiefs in Kansas City tonight.” Argentina vs. Switzerland.

You just know the commentator wrote this down beforehand and has been WAITING to say it. I’ll admit, I did cackle a little bit, albeit while cringing.

“Messi says ‘See you later.’” Argentina vs England.

Not so much a witty quote, but on what better note to close this article then on Lionel Messi? The discourse around Messi this World Cup is a little like how Taylor Swift fans react to anything she does. Anytime he does anything, even if it’s nothing, there are suddenly a dozen more articles about why he’s the best athlete of all time. The glaze is a bit ridiculous at this point, but I’m not going to be the one to argue much of it isn’t deserved.